War Of The Worlds

I do like me a bit of ol' disaster porn. Watching stuff get blown up never gets old. Well, it didn't until 2012. That's not prophesying there, but I imagine by 2012 we'll be drowning in films about blowing stuff up. Right, so, War Of The Worlds. The geekiest thing I noticed about this movie was that the tripods (similar to the one on your left there) were the same as the ones in Half-Life 2 in both design and the crazy noise they made. Not sure which came first mind, but at least we're safe in the knowledge that they ripped off H.G Well's design. Although in fairness one of them was adapting his book for a movie. Also it's worth remembering that Tom Cruise is tiny. Like 3ft or something. I don't know the specifics, but it makes every scene funnier imagining that the crew had to have him stand on a box to do dialogue with characters. Or have the other actor crouch slightly. Quite funny at the end as well where we he has to hug his son so he makes sure that he gets his on top in the hug leaving his son leaning down into him like a model hugging a midget. Beautiful stuff. Dakota Fanning is also spot on with her portrayal of a scared child. Which means that her incessant screaming is almost as irritating as her lines. I just hate her. I don't know why. It's probably because of Push. God, that was a terrible movie. I'm getting depressed just remembering it. I think that's as good a place to stop as any. Oh and the film is average. At best. Not even Morgan Freeman's voiceover can add too many points.

Top 10 Worst Films, Albums & Games Super List

I've started scanning my memory for the things that have stood out for me in 2009 in preparation for some totally rad end of year lists. Yeah that's right, totally rad. I'll be hollering cowabunga as I write it. While researching my own memory (I'll be honest, the easiest kind of research) I realised that I'd not played/watched/heard that much stuff. You know, I'm clever. I only listen to something I think I have a chance of enjoying or that someone else thinks I have a chance of enjoying. I don't rush out for the new Take That album because I'd only end up creating a plot to destroy Mark Owen with a sharpened copy of his own CD. The freaky little cunt. So I ended up listing everything that I'd watched, played or heard this year. This lead to the creation of some "dishonourable" titles that were going to be in a kind of reverse flip to the "honourable mentions". But hey, I fancied writing some more and they somewhat conveniently added up to 10. So I'll start at the top of the bottom. Like you do.

10. Biffy Clyro - Only Revolutions
This is probably an exception on the list. Its only here because it pains me. I was singing it mild praises a few days ago but after returning to Infinity Land I cannot afford it such dignity any longer. Sure That Golden Rule and Whorses are good. I would go as far as saying really good. Whorses has got some love on Last FM. But Biffy's slide in to poppy chorus' and now audibly terrible lyrics has lead me to question them. I know longer feel the urge to go their gigs knowing that its going to be 90% Puzzle/OR and 10% Blackened Sky with the odd Infinity Land and maybe even Vertigo Of Bliss tossed in. Their first 3 albums are pretty much stone cold classics. This is the first nail in their coffin.

9. Twin Atlantic - Vivarium
Its somewhat strange that my reasons for disliking this album are the same as Biffy's given that they're both Scottish and all. But this is their debut, which probably means the Clyros shouldn't worry. "Audience and Audio" was a great breakout single and gave really high hopes for this band. Its a shame the rest of this album is pretty much generic poppy punk stuff you can imagine tattood, skinny jeaned, straightened haired, American fuck-tards earning a cover of Kerrang! with. The plus side is that his voice is still fantastic, a real Scottish accent. As long as they keep that, they've still got a chance.

8. The Dodos - Time To Die
Pretty impressive that these guys have managed to get into both my top ten lists. Ok its not. But still, I had little else for an opening gambit. These guys have suffered a fate of internet hype worse than no other really. Of course its not entirely the internet's fault. The album is just boring really. The original was something different and exciting. This takes their music to amazingly predictable and uninteresting heights.

7. Editors - In This Light And On This Evening
I can tell you now I have a better filter for albums than films. I feel bad the company these records are going to be sharing further down the list. But regardless this album is not great. The gloom indie (Or gloomdie as no-one calls it) genre is almost booming. There's these lot, White Lies, Glasvegas. At least they're all dressed for any surprise funerals. Or just one balaclava away from a cheap ninja outfit. The lead single "Papillion" was gloomdie pop song of the year for me. Mainly because I've fallen behind popular music of late so I've no idea "what's rocking". The rest of the album was boring and meandering though. An average effort for what is quite a good band.

6. The Final Destination 3D
I quite enjoy the Final Destination franchise and that's a strong comment from me. Anything that even hints at the word franchise in movies usually makes me gag like an abused altar boy. But the Final Destination films have the whole ridiculous set up to the deaths. The slow five minute up of tension for a 3 second "Fucking brilliant that is" death. Certainly one to watch drunkenly with buddies. But lets be honest. Two was enough. Three maximum. This was not needed. The 3D is terrible as well. The overall highlight was my mate looking at his hand through his glasses afterwards to see it in 3D. The douche.

5. Lord Of The Rings: Conquest
This was in my top 10 games of the year purely because I have only played a satisfactory amount on 10 games this year. Worrying I know. It also means I've got to play a lot of another game before the end of the year. With my finances, this could be tough. Still a challenge is a challenge. Anyway, imagine Star Wars: Battlefront. Ok. Now imagine watching someone who has no idea what they're doing playing Star Wars: Battlefront. Its frustrating isn't it. This is what Conquest is like. Its not fun, its hammering buttons. Its not like Devil May Cry where its hammering buttons because I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing; its made like it. Somewhat of a laugh with a mate, but to be honest I played it with a friend and we just descended into Left 4 Dead soon after starting. So maybe not even that.

4. Confessions Of A Shopaholic
Clichés are a funny thing. Some are good to stick to really, like those in games. Plot templates. The new Call Of Duty for example has a plot so full of clichés it may as well have "produced by Micheal Bay" in the credits. Those clichés in romcoms though I don't understand. Why are people so happy with the genre? Literally every film is the same. Exactly the same. Some handsome brown haired American tossbag or Hugh Grant are lusted after by a hi-lariously kooky woman. They meet, get it on, fall out, get it on. Credits. Tears. It might be because I'm a man but these films are just fucking awful. Its not that I don't like romantic movies. Before Sunrise/Sunset and Eternal Sunshine are a couple of my favourite films. The latter being my all time favourite. I guess I'll never understand. Oh well, at least it keeps Hugh Grant employed.

3. Muse - The Resistance
I remember hearing Plug In Baby for the first time and thinking "well this is a bit good isn't it". Then here we are, however many years down the line and I'm listening to the new album, laughing out loud, because the songs are so bad. I wasn't laughing out loud in a sneering kind of way. I really thought some of these songs could go on Flight Of The Conchords synth rock third album. I know its supposed to be a grower and that old Muse are in there somewhere. But to be honest, I've heard it two or three times now and I really cannot be asked with it. I remember being outraged (mildly I'm a calm person) when I read Kele from Bloc Party state in the NME that Muse were one of the most ridiculous bands he'd ever heard. This was after Absolution came out. They were great to me. I now realise he probably had it right on the money.

2. Saw VI
I mentioned earlier my dislike for "film franchises". Saw is probably the worst of the lot. Just spunking out sequels with no regard for quality of any kind. They're just shit aren't they. Torture porn is all they are. I guess this its in the same camp as Confessions of A Shopaholic. No regard for anything other than the formula. I never walk out of a theatre. But this one really tempted me.

1. Push
Da da da da da daaaaaaaa. Here it is. The real shit-clump of the year. That dangly bit that hangs from sphincter like an 1800's murderer in a noose. Its just awful. It thinks its cool. "Look at me, I'm the new fucking Matrix". Its really about as cool as making soft-core porn with your grand-parents. Yeah soft-core. Not even all the way. That's how uncool this is. Dakota Fanning is unbearable, dressed apparently like a photo in the Daily Mail about New Look's inappropriate wardrobe for 8 year olds. Chris Evans is a dick and then there's some other people who slip my mind. I'm not going to wiki them to find out though, this deserves no more thought from me. This is easily the worst superhero movie I've ever seen and in that genre that's condemnation enough.

Various Titbits

I'm not sure how but cinematically speaking I've squeezed a great deal into my life recently. That being probably explains why I haven't done an awful lot else. Regardless, in short, I've watched many films of which most I overly enjoyed. Drag Me To Hell is a horror film about gypsies. Something I haven't come across all to often. The premise I refer to of course, I've had many encounters with gypsies. None quite like the ones portrayed in the film. I've never had a toothless pensioner gnaw on my chin with their saliva coated gums. Or crashed a said characters funeral and then fell into the corpse which preceded to drench me in some kind of embalming fluid. Drag Me To Hell is pretty gross, but in a very endearing way. Like a kitten coughing up a fur-ball, you can't help but embrace the graphic nature of the scenes with a wide grin and a small titter of laughter. There a few jumps along the way but nothing that's really ground-breaking, but a very enjoyable yarn it is.

Next up is Star Trek, a film which I was mildly excited about when it was chugging it's way towards multiplexes. Although by the time of it's release I had forgot of its existence and missed it entirely, things like this are easy to do in the sleepy county of Cornwall. I'm now regretting that lack of retention as the film is pretty awesome and I mean that in a genuine way. The film feels very cinematic, it was made for wide screen, surround sound, popcorn munching epicness. The lack of recognisable faces in the major roles I feel helps that, apart from Sylar and that bloke from Doom and maybe Harold. Of course there's old school Spock and Simon Pegg but their roles are minor really and you're completely drawn in before their appearance occurs. I have one foible with the film though, it was raised to me by a friend long before I'd seen it. It concerns black holes. They don't cause time-travel. They compress matter to nothing or something like that. Again I'm not a physicist, although the person who originally explained it to me actually was. I again blame this upon retention. But apart from that small fact the film is fantastic and might actually go someway to make Star Trek seem slightly less crap when compared to Star Wars.

Alright, Push is a science-fiction film of a different nature. I would explain the plot but basically imagine Akira and mix in a bit of the Heroes TV show and that's it. In fact it pretty much massively rips off Akira. Also Dakota Fanning is in it. I remember her best in Man On Fire where Denzel goes mental and shoots loads of people up. Trying to find her. Or something. Anyway, it's bad. Truly awful. Chris Evans is the lead and he does his usual "cool guy with quips" shtick that makes most people of notable intelligence immediately groan and fidget in extreme boredom. The film is also in Hong Kong, for apparently no real reason. You see people can't hide in America anymore, they have to hide in Hong Kong. Everything about the film is bad really, kids might like it and some of the effects are quite nice. Apart from that you're better off clambering over your sofas with your arms extended making whooshing noises to have a more fun replication of super-powers.

There's more. Session 9 is a small budget horror film set in a run-down mental asylum somewhere in the U.S. I not really bothered enough to find out where but you get the feeling it's probably still there. The guy from CSI:Miami is in it. Although I did not realise this till I saw the credits. This lead me to watching 7 minutes of CSI one-liners. Great fun. Anyway, I found the film actually quite scary, watching it in the house alone, in the dark at around 2am probably helped that feeling though. You can feel the tension building throughout and the plot does keep you guessing somewhat, although the small cast limits it really. A great film for the budget it was made on, definitely one of the better horror films recently especially given the lack of gore.

Almost done. Dark City came out before The Matrix. This is something to take note of before watching it. Also Keifer Sutherland wasn't always Jack Bauer. He had a failing career before that. Once you understand these two points you can really enjoy Dark City, the very 50's dystopia has a certain Bioshock feel to it (although that is my go to reference for seemingly everything). Once the mystery sets in motion its very easy to enjoy the movie, although Keifer Sutherland is just plain annoying. Not his fault really, I'm assuming whoever could have played the mumbling scientist would have been equally frustrating. Definitely a cult classic anyway, although the Akira reference in this film's finale is certainly more obvious. It was also ripped off again in the last Matrix film. Now that's recycling for you.

Not quite there. On a continuing sci-fi binge I decided to go completely in the opposite direction and watch indie flick Primer. Which is about time-travel. I think. It was hard to understand the jargon. You have to concentrate to enjoy the movie, its quite a compact feature really, only 70 minutes long or so. I've had toilet visits longer than that. I want to say I enjoyed it but I struggle to utter such favourable tones. It was a bit too much for me and I got very lost at the end. I imagine if I watch it again I might be in a better place to understand it. But the film has pace that constantly increases and by the end the plot is practically running away from you while you're there puzzling over your memories of Science class to help your understanding of the dialogue. If you're a smart ass or someone who likes talking about films no-one has heard of you'll enjoy Primer. For me it was kind of somewhere inbetween.

Finally! Clerks 2 was a bit of a surprise to me. I watched the original Clerks and didn't really enjoy it untill the end. Maybe it was my youth, my lack of a sense of humour, my general mood that day. I don't know. But it just didn't grab me. Alot of the jokes I'd heard before or could guess the ending before they'd got anywhere near the punchline. I feel bad that I didn't enjoy it though, I wanted to. I thought it would be a film I'd fall for and whisper to myself about in the tiny moments of the night. The second one I watched on low expectations, which was the best way to into it. I actually really enjoyed it, it might have been the fact I was massively hung over, or the fact that I cooked up some turkey dinosaurs to eat during it but the film really struck a chord with me. Also, the sequence about Lord of The Rings arguement was amazing and the finale with Kinky Kelly was also fantastic. A real feel good, witty comedy that isn't "from the makers of Superbad". It's nice I finally have a cinematic reason to enjoy Kevin Smith for that isn't Dogma.