Top 10 Worst Films, Albums & Games Super List

I've started scanning my memory for the things that have stood out for me in 2009 in preparation for some totally rad end of year lists. Yeah that's right, totally rad. I'll be hollering cowabunga as I write it. While researching my own memory (I'll be honest, the easiest kind of research) I realised that I'd not played/watched/heard that much stuff. You know, I'm clever. I only listen to something I think I have a chance of enjoying or that someone else thinks I have a chance of enjoying. I don't rush out for the new Take That album because I'd only end up creating a plot to destroy Mark Owen with a sharpened copy of his own CD. The freaky little cunt. So I ended up listing everything that I'd watched, played or heard this year. This lead to the creation of some "dishonourable" titles that were going to be in a kind of reverse flip to the "honourable mentions". But hey, I fancied writing some more and they somewhat conveniently added up to 10. So I'll start at the top of the bottom. Like you do.

10. Biffy Clyro - Only Revolutions
This is probably an exception on the list. Its only here because it pains me. I was singing it mild praises a few days ago but after returning to Infinity Land I cannot afford it such dignity any longer. Sure That Golden Rule and Whorses are good. I would go as far as saying really good. Whorses has got some love on Last FM. But Biffy's slide in to poppy chorus' and now audibly terrible lyrics has lead me to question them. I know longer feel the urge to go their gigs knowing that its going to be 90% Puzzle/OR and 10% Blackened Sky with the odd Infinity Land and maybe even Vertigo Of Bliss tossed in. Their first 3 albums are pretty much stone cold classics. This is the first nail in their coffin.

9. Twin Atlantic - Vivarium
Its somewhat strange that my reasons for disliking this album are the same as Biffy's given that they're both Scottish and all. But this is their debut, which probably means the Clyros shouldn't worry. "Audience and Audio" was a great breakout single and gave really high hopes for this band. Its a shame the rest of this album is pretty much generic poppy punk stuff you can imagine tattood, skinny jeaned, straightened haired, American fuck-tards earning a cover of Kerrang! with. The plus side is that his voice is still fantastic, a real Scottish accent. As long as they keep that, they've still got a chance.

8. The Dodos - Time To Die
Pretty impressive that these guys have managed to get into both my top ten lists. Ok its not. But still, I had little else for an opening gambit. These guys have suffered a fate of internet hype worse than no other really. Of course its not entirely the internet's fault. The album is just boring really. The original was something different and exciting. This takes their music to amazingly predictable and uninteresting heights.

7. Editors - In This Light And On This Evening
I can tell you now I have a better filter for albums than films. I feel bad the company these records are going to be sharing further down the list. But regardless this album is not great. The gloom indie (Or gloomdie as no-one calls it) genre is almost booming. There's these lot, White Lies, Glasvegas. At least they're all dressed for any surprise funerals. Or just one balaclava away from a cheap ninja outfit. The lead single "Papillion" was gloomdie pop song of the year for me. Mainly because I've fallen behind popular music of late so I've no idea "what's rocking". The rest of the album was boring and meandering though. An average effort for what is quite a good band.

6. The Final Destination 3D
I quite enjoy the Final Destination franchise and that's a strong comment from me. Anything that even hints at the word franchise in movies usually makes me gag like an abused altar boy. But the Final Destination films have the whole ridiculous set up to the deaths. The slow five minute up of tension for a 3 second "Fucking brilliant that is" death. Certainly one to watch drunkenly with buddies. But lets be honest. Two was enough. Three maximum. This was not needed. The 3D is terrible as well. The overall highlight was my mate looking at his hand through his glasses afterwards to see it in 3D. The douche.

5. Lord Of The Rings: Conquest
This was in my top 10 games of the year purely because I have only played a satisfactory amount on 10 games this year. Worrying I know. It also means I've got to play a lot of another game before the end of the year. With my finances, this could be tough. Still a challenge is a challenge. Anyway, imagine Star Wars: Battlefront. Ok. Now imagine watching someone who has no idea what they're doing playing Star Wars: Battlefront. Its frustrating isn't it. This is what Conquest is like. Its not fun, its hammering buttons. Its not like Devil May Cry where its hammering buttons because I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing; its made like it. Somewhat of a laugh with a mate, but to be honest I played it with a friend and we just descended into Left 4 Dead soon after starting. So maybe not even that.

4. Confessions Of A Shopaholic
Clichés are a funny thing. Some are good to stick to really, like those in games. Plot templates. The new Call Of Duty for example has a plot so full of clichés it may as well have "produced by Micheal Bay" in the credits. Those clichés in romcoms though I don't understand. Why are people so happy with the genre? Literally every film is the same. Exactly the same. Some handsome brown haired American tossbag or Hugh Grant are lusted after by a hi-lariously kooky woman. They meet, get it on, fall out, get it on. Credits. Tears. It might be because I'm a man but these films are just fucking awful. Its not that I don't like romantic movies. Before Sunrise/Sunset and Eternal Sunshine are a couple of my favourite films. The latter being my all time favourite. I guess I'll never understand. Oh well, at least it keeps Hugh Grant employed.

3. Muse - The Resistance
I remember hearing Plug In Baby for the first time and thinking "well this is a bit good isn't it". Then here we are, however many years down the line and I'm listening to the new album, laughing out loud, because the songs are so bad. I wasn't laughing out loud in a sneering kind of way. I really thought some of these songs could go on Flight Of The Conchords synth rock third album. I know its supposed to be a grower and that old Muse are in there somewhere. But to be honest, I've heard it two or three times now and I really cannot be asked with it. I remember being outraged (mildly I'm a calm person) when I read Kele from Bloc Party state in the NME that Muse were one of the most ridiculous bands he'd ever heard. This was after Absolution came out. They were great to me. I now realise he probably had it right on the money.

2. Saw VI
I mentioned earlier my dislike for "film franchises". Saw is probably the worst of the lot. Just spunking out sequels with no regard for quality of any kind. They're just shit aren't they. Torture porn is all they are. I guess this its in the same camp as Confessions of A Shopaholic. No regard for anything other than the formula. I never walk out of a theatre. But this one really tempted me.

1. Push
Da da da da da daaaaaaaa. Here it is. The real shit-clump of the year. That dangly bit that hangs from sphincter like an 1800's murderer in a noose. Its just awful. It thinks its cool. "Look at me, I'm the new fucking Matrix". Its really about as cool as making soft-core porn with your grand-parents. Yeah soft-core. Not even all the way. That's how uncool this is. Dakota Fanning is unbearable, dressed apparently like a photo in the Daily Mail about New Look's inappropriate wardrobe for 8 year olds. Chris Evans is a dick and then there's some other people who slip my mind. I'm not going to wiki them to find out though, this deserves no more thought from me. This is easily the worst superhero movie I've ever seen and in that genre that's condemnation enough.

Tubelord, Editors, FlashForward, True Blood & World Of Goo

Not long after I posted about not having received the Tubelord album yesterday the link turned up in my inbox. For those who are uninitiated in the wonder of the Kingston scamps they peddle a kind of jittery ADD enriched punk-pop. They buy their clothes at the same shop as Danananana(ananana)akroyd to put a metaphorical spin on it. I'm quite enjoying this new breed, they're from my generation after all. The ones who were listening to Blink 182 and Green Day when they were at school. When those bands used to be good as well, not when the colours dulled and the ballads were spun. As a thank you for pre-ordering (read paying for) the album I received an acoustic album. But the main album is pretty good to start with. "Night Of The Pencils" is exactly what punk-pop should be sounding like these days; the unpredictability of Infinity Land era Biffy and all the gang vocals and sing alongs of any of your more recent chart-botherers. The only detractor I can think of is the quality of the audio is a bit shit for me, but that may well be just my brand of headphones and speaker. I'm no expert. Anyway, listen to them, love them. Oh yeah, the acoustic album's good too. They can sing and all.

Editors seem to have been around for a while now. Although they're only now releasing their third album. Their contemporaries Bloc Party, Maximo Park and even Arctic Monkeys beat them to it. They've gone for a change of direction this time, out with Interpol in with Depeche Mode. First single "Papillion" made it seem like an inspired choice, sounding surprisingly addictive for a song so devoid of Editors' signature guitar. Although after listening to the rest of the album I'd say the result was not so inspired. In fact its a little boring. Which is the risk you take when its all monochrome clothing and rambles gloom. But all I've heard this year is records which inspire sadness and depression. There's only so much I can enjoy before it becomes an endurance. Maybe when I'm more in the mood I'll give it a proper listen but for now I'll remember the epic refrain of "Bullets". At least that sounded a little upbeat in its depressing musings.

So Flashforward has been rumbling on for a few weeks now. Rumbling is an appropriate term for it because I'm not really sure where its heading. Which I guess is part of the attraction. Its still walking the tightrope between sci-fi hokum and modern thriller. I'm not fussed either way really but I just know that I'm not going to find out for a while. Its appealing though, I'm being drawn in. The odd departure to Germany aside the drama is bubbling quite nicely. I just pray we get some kind of answer at the end of the season. I've heard ABC likes cutting good dramas short early, if they decide to end this after one season it might even be better for it. Which brings me on to True Blood, no new paragraph. This only going to be brief. Second episode was enjoyable, this is very much about the characters though as opposed to the previous. The central romance featured is starting to get a little Twilightesque (or what I think that would be like) but hopefully it will continue down a few more alleyways. Also the cliff hangers are surprisingly lame. I'll wait till next weeks to see if this one is as poor as I expect it to be.

Finally I come to World Of Goo which is celebrating its first birthday by doing a Radiohead. I paid a measly $2. I'm sorry. I'm poor. That's more than I paid for the Radiohead album mind. Anyway, its basically a little physics puzzle based around gooey blobs of smiles. The graphics are lovely, the sound endearing and the puzzles taxing. But I'm shit at puzzles. I get confused about using my keys sometimes. I've got stuck on many of the Lego games. I have no idea how to use the blind in my room, I've been here for 8 months. I digress, my point is you should buy it. Fund an indie developer a little and enjoy a great slice of left field gaming. Its more fun than Guitar Hero 2. That's for sure.